The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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