I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
