i may or may not be watching the land before time
4 words: hood of his car
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
