went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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