dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
