This is not my ceiling
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
