When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
