i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
