I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Brb crying the tears of my youth
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
