well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
