awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
