is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
