the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
