i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
