I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
