Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Non-Jews are for practice
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
