fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
