I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
how drunk are you?
Several
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
