the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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