Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
