New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
