where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
