either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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