they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just forgot I was standing up.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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