Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
