im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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