It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
