He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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