remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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