worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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