The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
