so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
