Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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