Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
