I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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