my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
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