Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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