ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
