I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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