God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Randomize
