I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
