It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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