and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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