You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
