I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
