I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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