it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
