I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
