I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
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