i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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