i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
