omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
