They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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